I’m insecure. I can hear it dribble out sometimes when I talk, like when you’ve come from the dentist and the freezing hasn’t subsided yet and you don’t know you’re drooling until you feel it on your chin. I catch myself trying to puff myself up ever so subtly and cringe on the inside. Why do I need to do that? I notice others doing it and say in my head, “that person is insecure just like me”. Usually, knowing that you’re not alone makes a person feel better, but I don’t in this case. It speaks to some lack in my relationship with God. Rather than being rooted firmly in the love he has for me and resting there, I’m anxious, eager for glances and superficial flattery from people I hardly know.
My Dad is a voracious reader and a quotation master, oft quoting some profound thought at just the right moment. He always used them to great effect in his sermons. This quote has stuck with me, though, I apologize, I can’t credit the author. I’ve searched the internet to no avail. “Find your worth in God and a few significant others.” Apparently, I’m finding it hard to find my worth in God. Maybe all this begging for scraps of approval reveals my distrust, reveals a distance between God and I and this only serves to make me sad. The song title “Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places” comes to mind. I’m pecking at crumbs while the endless, unequivocal, empowering love of God lies before me untouched.
I recently listened to a sermon of John Piper’s online and he said that it’s his regular practice to pray with the psalmist every day, “Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” (Psalm 90:14) I’m determined to join him in hopes that my desperate need for acceptance and affirmation will be met by God claiming me with that love that promises to be wider and longer and higher and deeper than any insecurity I may face. I’m determined to taste and see his goodness. I want to savor and be satisfied. I’m also determined to graciously lavish love on those who are openly, actively, unabashedly looking for it. I’m not very good at loving, but he will provide. I merely need to dip my hand. Lord, help me be a significant other, a pool of luminous, reflective water showing those around me their true worth in you.
Complete the experience. Listen to Michele Wagner’s You’re Beautiful.