Bite My Muffin Top

I read an article the other day written by a personal trainer. I don’t have my own personal trainer ( I kinda feel like I’m talking about a pet) and I don’t believe I’ll ever have the need for one. Why did I read the article then? Because I’m obsessed with my weight and how I look, like countless others on the continent. I’ve read the diet books, the workout books, the anti-diet and anti-workout books. I’ve swallowed the latest exercisecrossfit-534615_12802infomercial’s hype and bought videos that make me feel foolish, look stupid, and want to stop. I purchased one plastic contraption where the only exercise I got out of it was kicking it to the curb on garbage day. I’ve done the dusty stationary bike, those monotonous aerobics, the funny breathing exercises,the tedious weight lifting routines and the lie down and trim down Pilates. (I’ll admit I enjoyed the lying down part.) I wanted to see if he had anything new to say, any wisdom to impart that would inspire and motivate me to take better care of my body. What was I thinking? He’s a personal trainer. It’s in his best interest to tell us that there is no mind game, no pill that eats up fat cells like Pac-Man, no food that will release the stores of chub we’ve been self-consciously hugging. The success of his business depends on the premise that extreme physical exercise supervised by a glowing Adonis who eats hamburgers wrapped in lettuce (a travesty) is our only hope of becoming the Jennifer Aniston we were meant to be.

Mr. Good and Sweaty wrote something like, “If you think you’re going to lose your muffin top by running around the block, think again.” He made an assumption that we all want to lose our muffin tops; as if it’s a crime to have one and if you don’t shed the cheddar, you’ll be shipped off to a muffin top colony where you’ll live out your sorry life exerciselake-constance-1937138_12802segregated in shame. He assumes that we lie around berating ourselves and cursing our muffin tops (not too vigorously, as this would require too much movement) while waiting for a personal savior, I mean, trainer to rescue us from our prison of pudge. According to him, if you want to tumble the jelly from your belly, you have to trick the body, challenge the body, and hurt the body. You have to regularly work your body to the point of exhaustion. I have a friend who has a personal trainer and she has a fantastic figure. Some days she would come to work and she could hardly walk. She groaned through the various physical maneuvers she had to perform to do her job, like bending over to file something or getting up to use the photocopier. She willingly paid someone to put her in this condition. My innate dislike of pain tells me that if something I’m doing hurts me, I should stop doing it. My common sense tells me to refrain from giving anyone $75.00 an hour to hurt me, no matter how hot or physically imposing they are. My slogan is “No pain, I gain and I’m okay with that”. Those of you who are close friends of mine, please take a cartoon-sized sledgehammer and flatten me into a pile of oozing pink blubber, if I ever speak of hiring a personal trainer. At the very least, have me committed to a loony bin/fat farm.

I run around the block. That’s the only exercise I do besides walking. I try to do it in the morning to get it over with. True to the cliché, it feels really good when it’s over. I don’t allow myself to stop until I reach that certain point on the sidewalk. I know that if I stop a step sooner every time, in a month I’ll be sitting in front of the flat screen downing a exerciserunning-573762_12802jumbo bag of cheezies. My muffin top isn’t going anywhere. If there are fitness fanatics out there who don’t like it, they can stop looking in the bakery window. There are other worthwhile reasons to exercise. I run to strengthen my body. I run to keep my weight down. I run so I can keep up with my kids. I run and I will keep running so that in my old age, I won’t be stuck in a motorized wheelchair, farting, and playing scrabble. I run so that I can enjoy chocolate and poutine and greasy pizza and pasta with cream sauce and sugary pecan pie and big slabs of cheesecake. I’m not about to torture my body or give up eating all kinds of real tasty food for flat abs and slim hips. That would be far too painful.

Author’s note: I wrote this 10 years ago. I recently began running around the block again and lifting weights. After working in the health care field for the last 5 years and caring for obese patients who could hardly do anything for themselves, it impressed upon me the need to be as fit and healthy as possible going into old age. Of course, I’d always rather sit on the the couch, but I now know where that leads and it’s not pretty!

Posts come out every Monday morning, a poem every third Monday. Scroll down to the bottom of the page to receive notifications of my posts via email. Follow me on Instagram username: pollyeloquent. Thanks for reading. 🙂

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3 thoughts on “Bite My Muffin Top

  1. Bonjour Polly,
    Encore un article intéressant qui parle à toutes les femmes: le problème de poids!
    Et c’est vrai que c’est un problème !!
    Mais j’ai décidé depuis quelques années de ne plus faire de régime! Donc je suis en surpoids !
    Mais je ne veux plus me priver, être frustrée, être de mauvaise humeur, voir de la nourriture durant mon sommeil !
    Je mange équilibré , pas trop …mais ça suffit à me faire grossir car c’est ma Nature.. et tant pis!
    Je suis heureuse comme ça et le regard des autres ne me dérange plus. J’aime trop les b on n’es choses et la France regorge de bons plats!
    Il faudrait que je fasse du sport mais je n’ai pas le courage..,
    Donc bravo à toi pour ta volonté!
    Belle journée très chère amie!
    Pascale

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bonjour ma chère Pascale,
      J’aime manger et gagnerais probablement beaucoup de kilos si je venais te rendre visite en France. J’ai toujours dû lutter avec mon poids, mais j’ai presque 52 ans et j’ai décidé que je veux entrer dans la vieillesse au moins en bonne santé. Je sais de vos voyages que vous faites beaucoup de marche et que j’aime marcher le meilleur de toute forme d’exercice, parce que c’est naturel et confortable! Je voudrais juste vous encourager à continuer à marcher, mon ami – tous les jours, si vous le pouvez. J’ai perdu 30 livres au cours des trois dernières années et je n’ai pas arrêté de manger les choses que j’aime. Si vous voulez savoir comment je l’ai fait, contactez-moi sur mon blog et je le partagerai avec vous. Je viens de marcher et fait cette chose en particulier. Pas d’exercice supplémentaire impliqué. Sinon, je suis content que tu sois heureux là où tu es. Je ne serais pas heureux, si je devais arrêter de manger les choses que j’aime! Merci d’avoir lu, mon ami! Amour et calins! Polly

      Liked by 1 person

      1. J’aime ce que tu dis ici, mon ami. Notre valeur ne devrait jamais être basée sur ce que les autres pensent de nous ou même sur ce que la culture juge digne! Merci pour le rappel, mon ami! Désolé, il m’a fallu si longtemps pour vous revenir sur celui-ci. Pour une raison quelconque, le blog vous met dans la ligne de spam! Tu m’apportes beaucoup de joie, Pascale. Bonne journée!

        Like

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