- When I was 16, my youth group held a wet n’ wild event where I proceeded to get wildly wet. At the close of the evening, I climbed into the back seat of my friend’s car, my shorts drenched, and I was immediately sitting in a puddle. I did have a semi-dry towel which I used as a screen to remove my Sham Wows. I wrapped the towel around my waist covering my near nakedness. We stopped at a light and my most supportive friend yelled, “Chinese Fire Drill”. Do I have to continue?
- A friend and I used to swing on the swings at the elementary school behind my house. We were having a jumping off contest scored on height and distance. My last jump, my flimsy shorts remained on the swing. Are you getting the impression that I like to run around publically in my underpants?
- I had a friend who worked at a Second Cup Kiosk. I stopped for a visit and she gave me a bag of chocolate covered coffee beans. I don’t drink coffee, but a chocolate covered gift is a gift. I proceeded to eat most of the bag. I went for a bike ride at 3:00 the next morning.
- I was working at Sears during my college days. I was folding some towels a ways away from the check-out desk (they were paying me) and the phone rang. I dashed to retrieve the call and wiped out like I was sliding into home base, skirt flyin’ high, in front of a lady and her son. I pray for that boy.
- I can hold down a job. Again, I was working at Sears. A lovely, older lady and co-worker of mine approached me with concern in her eyes at the beginning of my shift. In a most compassionate tone, she asked why my forehead was covered with miniscule X indentations. She nudged my bangs aside like a kindly nurse wanting a closer look. I had no idea what she was talking about and scurried off to the restroom to investigate. When I looked in the mirror, I laughed myself silly. I’m a compulsive zit picker.
- On my wedding day, I wanted to make sure my pretties were lifted and supported so I cinched up my harness to perfectly perky. In the receiving line, all the hugging caused a wardrobe malfunction. My brassiere became a necklace. I was forced to flee to the bushes.
- When I was still a newly-wed, we invited a family over for dinner. I didn’t know the rule that one should only use tried and true recipes when having company in. (I still don’t have any of those.) The party was fun. The dinner was disgusting.
- We were invited to a potluck where I was asked to bring steamed green beans with lemon wedges. I boiled the beanies out of those things while squirting them with my trusty, plastic lemon. When people came through the line and stood before my dish, they could hardly hide their distaste.
- Shortly after I had my first child, a friend called to ask if I wanted to go for a walk in the river valley. My stomach had been a little queasy, but I was eager to get out and talk to an adult while breathing in the fresh air. Am I the only one who doesn’t listen to her body? Halfway through our stroll, I feared I may explode. I dithered around in my mind, no longer able to even concentrate on what my friend was saying. I could not banish the image of me, legs parted, schlepping home like a slug leaving a trail of smelly, melted, chunky peanut butter behind me. When we arrived back at my place, I ran downstairs to shoot the moon, but sadly, didn’t even get the gun out of the holster. While my friend waited upstairs, I tried as best I could to swipe up the splats. I had no towel and no extra clothes for such an emergency. Pulling my maternity top down, I marched upstairs and, peering around the door, explained my malady to my guest. She graciously averted her eyes.
- I’d worked as a Dental Receptionist for a number of years and most of my days were spent with a telephone in my ear. At the end of one particularly strenuous call session where I’m sure I talked to upwards of 50 answering machines, I lost it. “Hello, this is Polly calling from Really Expensive Dental Centre. This call is for Polly. Oh…Wait…(audible confusion)…that would be me.
Posts come out every Monday morning, a poem every third Monday. Scroll down to the bottom of the page to receive notifications of my posts via email. Follow me on Instagram username: pollyeloquent. Thanks for reading. 🙂